Poetry · Satay

That moment between being awake and being actually awake

 

“It was like being plunged headfirst into a pool of ice water without a chance to catch the slightest breath beforehand.

Disorientated.

I hadn’t the slightest idea where I was or who I was or why I was here or why I was suddenly awake having not even remembered falling asleep or why I was in a room that was so terribly familiar yet I couldn’t recognise or why I had no memory of any previous existence of mine despite knowing I’ve been here for long although I knew all the information was somewhere but unreachable because it was so

far

 

far

 

far

 

away.

 

I was still blind though.

My eyes hadn’t opened yet.

 

And it only got better when they did.

A sudden flood of sharp white light that filled every crevice of my cornea and stripped what was beginning to surface of my conscious completely bare, now leaving me with no idea of what I hadn’t an idea about, as if I was newborn baby that somehow got stuck between the womb and the world without the slightest clue to what was going on and without the means to know what and why.

Or perhaps worse than that, for not knowing on its own would have been fine but in that split second that I was in that felt that like an eternity stretching upon another eternity I did not only know nothing but had the means to know something but could not know whether or not I knew the means to knowing could be trusted.

It was like trying to pluck out something useful from a cloud of dust that spanned the entirety of my conscious, which proved to be impossible. My mind was struggling between the life I knew I was living in reality and the life I knew I was living in a dream just moments before and the life I knew I was living in my dreams and would not settle on one for more than a flicker.

I must’ve lived and ended about a million odd lives without knowing whether any of them were truly mine and my eyes weren’t even halfway open.

That’s when I began to get nervous. 

I’d realised that all the millions of lives that I’d just lived a thousandth of a second ago all came packaged their own problems and any of them could have applied to my own real life and in fact all of them were my lives and all the problems that had to be solved had to be solved by me but I didn’t know how.

Thus I set about to think of a solution, the entire world (or the half that I could see of it) spinning round and roubd endlessly before my eyes, my heart in pain, my mind intoxicated, almost as if my brain had been saturated with a concentrated alcohol that was seeping it’s way through layer upon layer of my subconscious and getting to the very core.

And then

it just

 

 

 

 

 

vanished

 

 

 

 

 

as soon as it came.

 

For my conscious conscious had managed to surface before then,

successfully traversing

 

miles

upon

 

miles

 

of fluffy subconscious grey matter, 

the cloud of dust that spanned the entirety of my mind,

in half the time it took to open an eye.

 

Then the immediate clarity that followed,

the sweet feeling of knowing, 

knowing where I was,

knowing who I was,

knowing what I was living.

 

A rare moment of lucidity that enveloped my brain like a warm honey with a cinnamon tinge,

rendering the alcohol that was previously there,

even in the deepest cracks of my being,

gone.

 

How sweet could opening one’s eyes be?

 

For I could only help but smile,

at the clarity,

 

at the familiarity,

at the comfort,

at the ease,

and at the new day.”

 

~Azzam